The Hackenbush Blog

Little known facts about Jack Bauer:

1) If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
2) If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
3) Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
4) Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
5) Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
6) Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
7) Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
8) Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
9) 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
10) Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
11) Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
12) Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
13) When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
14) If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you… well amigo, you're fucked.
15) Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
16) When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
17) In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy's name? Stephen Hawking.
18) Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
19) No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel-
20) In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
21) Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
22) As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
23) Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
24) If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
25) If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
26) Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
27) Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
28) Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
29) If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
30) Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

Have you seen them around lately? Does Laura have them in a jar in closet? Or does Harry Reid have them? One thing's for sure, they are no longer attached to the President. There is no other explanation for the abominable decision to pass over Michael Luttig, Samuel Alioto, Michael McConnell, Janice Rogers Brown, Edith Jones, et al and pick the totally non-entity that is Harriet Miers to be the next Justice of the Supreme Court.

Apparently Laura insisted on a woman, which eliminated those candidates unfortunate enough to have a penis. Or perhaps Bush was just jealous of anyone who still had a pair of testicles, since he no longer does.

But Harry Reid insisted that no one who had ever uttered the words "Roe," "Wade" or "vs." in a sentence be considered. So much for Brown and Jones. Why Bush is deferring to Harry Reid is anybody's guess. Perhaps Reid has the President's balls in his hands and is holding a gun to them?

Why I am obsessing on the President's cajones? Because he used to have them, in spades. He had them all through his first term and at the beginning of his second term when he tried to change Social Security. But he lost them sometime during Hurricane Katrina and he needs them back fast.

The President Bush I voted for twice—the one with testicles—would have followed up the Roberts nomination with another brilliant legal mind who was also of the proper judicial philosophy (Question: Has the phrase "brilliant legal mind" ever been associated with Ms. Miers?). Even if it meant a fight. Especially if it meant a fight. Even if that meant the girly Republican moderate Senators like Snowe, Collins, Specter, Chaffee and cry-baby Voinovich would have their panties so far twisted up their wazoos that they'd vote against the nominee and against the "nuclear" option. Even if he lost.

If he lost with Luttig, or McConnell, or Jones, or whoever….he could always pick Miers then. Why wave the white flag before you have to…before you even try? Only one reason….the President has lost his nerve. He's lost his will to put up a fight. His Presidency is over. We cannot afford three years of a ball-less, pussy-whipped President. Especially when there are terrorists trying to kill us.

President Bush needs to find his balls and attach them fast, or he must resign. Period. Three years of non-President Bush will be disastrous for our nation, even if the terrorists don't kill us. Because there is a Democrat out there who has huge balls and is prepared to use them and is guaranteed to become our next President if Bush doesn't get his act together pronto. Yes I mean Hillary Rodham Clinton, the next President of the United States.

The expression is "lead, follow or get out of the way." As President, Bush cannot follow. He must either remember how to lead again, and fast, or get the hell out of the way.

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Interesting opinion piece in today's Left Angeles Times, blaming Hollywood's liberal slant for its current box office woes. I would have to agree that it might be a factor, but I can't see it as being the most significant one or even one of the major reasons. Much as I'd like to, I can't blame liberals for everything that's wrong in the world. Still it is a thought-provoking piece worth reading.

Bigger factors in the Hollywood slump would be, in no particular order, the low quality of current movies, the high price of tickets and refreshments, the competition from high quality DVD's and home theater systems with big screen TV's, the general rudeness and low-class of one's fellow movie-goers (which includes talking during the film, cell phones going off, babies crying, pre-teenagers throwing food at old farts and people who insist on kicking the seats in front of them during the entire film) and of course the current refusal, due to Hollywood's political correctness, to insist that mainstream actresses appear naked on camera anymore.
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This has to be the least dramatic 2-2 series in the history of sports. Just once can't we have a game that is decided with less than two minutes to go? Or, dare I ask for it, an overtime game??? Is that too much to ask for?

How about if both teams actually showed up for the same game?

Please?

Be sure to check out the new Ribs & Libs Blog!

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According to Howard Dean, Chairman of the DNC, the Republican Party consists only of White Christians. I loved Ken Mehlman's response!
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